Black Sheep...

Sometimes I can't help but think what the heck is wrong with a person just being themselves? I feel constantly judged by my fathers side of the family because Im "different". My opinion is who the heck cares what I do it's my life my consequences stay out of it and judge yourselves because none of them are perfect thats for sure! Tonight is another one of the 5 in morning nights I can't sleep because theres way to much on my mind. This blog post is going to jump around a bit so just stick with me okay? I guess that Im not really like the rest of my family I have a lot of different views on life, and well sometimes I swear Im adopted haha... sounds totally ridiculous but something got totally screwed up somewhere!
When I think about how much I get judged for who I am it honestly makes me sick! I understand I come off intimidating...well Im sorry theres to much personality here for you to handle! Lately I've been getting easily frustrated, and no one understands why, but thats for me to know because theres nothing worse I hate then when people are all up in my business. If I tell you thats one thing but if not stay out of it. I've made the first change in my life by finally kicking my mom out of my life again, to be honest she should have never been invited back into my life again I seen it going bad from the beginning, but I guess screw me twice shame on me!
I want so much out of life right now, but all these set backs are starting to get irritating! Life is divine chaos, Embrace it, Breathe, forgive yourself and enjoy the ride...

imperfection is beauty

Pamela Andersen and Marilyn Monroe are both defined as being physically attractive. But there are different kinds of "attractive"..Monroe is the classy "girl next door" beautiful and Andersen is that tough trashy attractive. Andersen I think comes off that way because of how big her physical assets are and how much make-up she uses and the way she presents herself. Monroe is the type of girl that you would like to take home to your mother.

As a society, I don't think that we truely understand what beauty is. What defines a women as beautiful. We are so obsessed with the physical aspect of beauty, but it's much more than that. Beauty is outer AND inner appearance. But thanks to the media, being truely beautiful without make up or cosmetic surgery has become a nearly impossible task. What we need to all understand as a society is that our imperfections, our differences are what makes us all different. What makes us beautiful.

We need to stop judging ourselves and look in the mirror and realize what it is that makes us beautiful.

Who am I

I've been thinking of the time when to me I was actually happy! The time when certain stuff didn't make me mad. I've been looking in the mirror lately thinking where is that girl? And what have you done with her. The time where I could actually be me without making someone mad. And when I could get my nails, hair, and waxing done and out of the way, without pulling an arm and a leg.Lets face it I like to feel pretty. I've been feeling bitter and unhappy for a while now and I really honestly sick of it. I would like to be happy again. I would like to be me without hiding my true self because it makes people mad or offended. I used to smile! Why cant I now?

I just don't feel like me! I feel gross, I don't even attempt to put on makeup anymore because why bother? It could be because the women that lives 5 feet away from me gets everything that she wants without having to beg! Shoes, Makeup, Jewelry, nails, pedicures, $200 gift cards for massages, purses, trips to ireland. While I sit here and feel like a hobo. I feel like I deserve something, I work My butt off for nothing and it really makes me mad. But if I say anything Im the bad guy. I don't like feeling downgraded, maintaining myself is important to me!

do unto others as they do unto you

I am a person that does things for others and hardly ever expect anything in return. But when I really need something Like a second job, my drivers license, or even want to go to school. Because I'm such a burden on people. Anything that could eventually make me happy is down the drain. Oh well I'll just sit back and not have anything. I wish people would stop asking me for help if all I'm gonna get is shunned for needing something. I also realized tonight to not look forward to anything because most of the time your dreams and wants are just going to shut you down! Like I want to have a good birthday... I never really have a good one anyways so why be hopeful, I want a puppy something I can have that's mine and isn't ever gonna turn its back on me, I want to go to school to have a future, I want my license so I don't have to worry day to day about getting to work, I want a good man In my life so I can feel loved. WHY!!!! cant I just be happy?!?!? I would like to get through one hole day with a smile on my face! I give up!

She needs a prayer!

My best friend of 7 years just found out today that if she doesn't have her period by Thursday that there could be a baby stuck in her tubes.This is called a ectopic pregnancy. If that is so, then she has to abort it or shes gonna die. Shes really scared right now and I couldn't help but tell her Lindsey everything's gonna be okay! I can't help but cry at the moment, because shes like my sister shes closer to me than anything. I'm scared for her. Please pray for her she needs it. I told her I would be in town Thursday or as soon as possible so I can help her through it because gods knows that shes helped me through a lot. I feel for her, she and her husband Avron want a baby so bad and ready to move forward with there lives building a family and owning a house and such. This bad news is really breaking her heart.

There is no use crying over spilled milk!!!

Have you ever been so irritated one day that you just don't want to talk to anyone and even if they try to be nice it doesn't fix anything or make your mood any better? There's so many things that are bothering me right now its not even funny! First one is, I'M NOT FIVE SO STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'AM!!!!!!!!! I'm almost 20 Years old my 5 year old days were 15 years ago so STOP! I promise there's only two things to vent about. I'm trying to be less of a negative person but it's really hard to stay positive when everyone around you except for the other three people trying to stay positive to. Here's Number two, One day without YELLING , ARGUING , or being RUDE would be FANTASTIC. Its all getting so over rated and it makes my anxiety shoot through the roof! There is no use crying over spilled milk. I'm not mad at anyone, it's me wanting to vent like everyone else vents except I know my blog doesn't talk back or compare it's self to me. As I always say "smile and wave boys smile and wave". On the POSITIVE side I got my phone turned back on today. And I have about 2 important photo shoots coming up one I'm getting paid for and the other is for a baby present. I'm Really hoping my business cards come in soon so I can get my name out there. I'm in need of a serious update of my portfolio.

1 step forward 2 steps back

I finally have a job thank god, I never new I could miss work so much....but I did sadly. Starting to finally be happy once again then................. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA............. I guess I could just leave it at that because I really don't like talking about it. I just want to think happy thoughts and that I'm already ready for a vacation! ha ha Funny I just got back from one. Well kind of it was probably the worst one I've had in a long time. This summer has not been a good one. Lets just hope I can get one fun thing put into my new busy schedule. hA yea RIGHT SUMMERS OVER in what a week? NICE going Bridgette!